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Humorous Quotes
That otherwise would not be remembered

"I've heard Eric Clapner, ... I think it was a wonderful thing that Eric Clapner the musician did...So I think that's the wonderful part about it, but listen -  I like Eric Clapner!" - Joycelyn Elders referring to Eric Clapton
Listen to the audio (22K)

    I have noticed that whenever  a Republican says something "stupid" or incorrect, it is jumped on by the press and the political left (remember those Dan Quayle statements?).  On the other hand, Bill Clinton and his associates can say anything, no matter how stupid, and have it go relatively unnoticed (How about Algore and commenting on Michael Jordan?).  To counter this double standard, I have included a list of some of the often overlooked statements of the political left and the political extreme.
Human Rights
The Kennedys
Just Plain Stupid

"Character doesn't matter." - Bill Clinton
"I don't think the Republicans can damage my character" - Bill Clinton
But does he have any character to attack in the first place?  

Quotes by the Clintons
Part 1: self contradictory statements
Medicare: Taxes: Welfare: Campaign Finance Reform: The Scandals Lying

Part 2: What other Liberals say about Clinton
"Clinton likes cigars" - Fidel Castro, 1996
"Clinton's an unusually good liar. Unusually good. Do you realize that?"- Sen. Bob Kerry, D-Nebraska
"This act will leave a moral blot on his presidency" - Marion Wright Edelman on Clinton signing the welfare reform bill.
Of course it is not the scandals, nor the lies, nor the cover-ups that leave the blot.  (Sources: 'The Limbaugh Letter' and 'The Boston Globe')
"Clinton likes cigars" - Fidel Castro ca. 1996.  (note: this was a serious quote from long before today's scandal)
"What does he stand for?" - James Carville
"The President's very shrewd" - Sam Donaldson
"a breach of trust" - George Stephanopolous on the Lewinsky address
"He's immune to shame" - Jesse Jackson

"It was not just inappropriate behavior" - Sen. Bob Kerry, D-Nebraska on the Lewinsky affair
 "It (Lewinskygate) has...compromised his moral authority" - Sen. Joseph Lieberman D- Connecticut
"All of us knew he was a snake when we voted for him" - Patricia Ireland, President of the National Organization of Women

Part 3: Stupid Quotes by Clinton
"We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans" - Bill Clinton (this is REAL scary)
"You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say." - Bill Clinton (and again)
"I'm sure I spent more time in Texas than anybody else who had run for President recently." - Bill Clinton
Tell that to Texas residents George Bush and Ross Perot
"When I was a younger man and had a life, I owned an El Camino pickup in the '70s. It was a real sort of Southern deal. I had Astroturf in the back." - Bill Clinton
"When I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale." - Bill Clinton
"The last time I checked, the Constitution said, 'of the people, by the people and for the people.' That's what the Declaration of Independence says." - Bill Clinton (Note that the statement quoted was from the Gettysburg Address)
"I mean you've got a conservative and right-winged press presence with really nothing on the other end of the political spectrum." - Hillary Clinton on C-Span
Sure Hillary, that's it. That is also why almost all of the press voted for your husband
"I was not elected to produce a pile of vetoes." - Bill Clinton
What about the welfare bill that was vetoed at first then signed?
I plan to "end the unlimited `soft' money contributions that are funneled through national, state, and local parties to presidential candidates." - Bill Clinton
What about through the Chinese government or through a Buddhist temple?
"Almost makes you want to go to jail out here, doesn't it?" - Bill Clinton when visiting a Spanish fortress/former prison
This quote could apply to other things namely Whitewater (Quoted on The Rush Limbaugh Show)
"We will reduce the White House staff by 25 percent" - Bill Clinton
I guess he intended to merely replace this 25% later with friends and cousins
"We're not talking about a few rooms here with delicate personal matters involved." - Bill Clinton commenting on Saddam Hussein's so called palaces.
Not at all, that only applies to the White House
"[They let] friendship with the leaders in China obscure our devotion to freedom and democracy when those kids set up in Tiananmen Square, and I think it was wrong." - Bill Clinton criticizing America's past stances toward China
Didn't you just tour that place where "those kids set up"?

Part 4: Scandal Excuse Quotations
"If a President of the United States ever lied to the American people he should resign." - Bill Clinton in 1974
"The most ethical administration in the history of the Republic." - Bill Clinton
"Nearly everyone will lie to you given the right circumstances." - Bill Clinton
"If a President of the United States ever lied to the American people he should resign." - Bill Clinton running for US Representative in 1974
Is that the stupid quote of the century or what?

"No question that an admission of making false statements to government officials and interfering with the FBI is an impeachable offense." - Bill Clinton, 1974 quoted in the Arkansas Gazette
He should sak himself about this one.
"I'm just trying to suppress my natural impulses and get back to work." - Bill Clinton commenting on the Lewinsky scandal
And what impulses are those Mr. President?
"For four years we've been cooperating exhaustively" - Bill Clinton
Sure, like getting the billing records on time and complying with all the requests of the investigation.
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky" - Bill Clinton
Only Flowers then? (I apologize for the repeat)
"I'm not going to parse the statement. You've got the statement I made earlier and the statement speaks for itself." - Mike McCurry explaining how the president defines improper in 'improper relation'
At least it is not "I don't remember." Still wrong though.
"I don't remember"- Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and numerous others
"I'm sorry. I don't recall" - Hillary Clinton on numerous occasions
"It is inconceivable that anyone could say we have tried to hide anything" - Bill Clinton
Only those billing records
"I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple." - Algore
"$100,000 donors buy access to Congress and the White House.  We believe it's long past time to clean up Washington." - Bill Clinton
We can start by putting the Lincoln Bedroom for sale!
"He has denied what has happened. His sworn statements have denied what has happened." - Patricia Schroeder
Maybe you should use better phrasing next time, Mrs. Schroeder
"Seeing the interview was even more compelling than seeing the words on paper. I have to say she has a great deal of credibility'' - Patricia Ireland commenting on the Kathleen Willey '60 Mintutes' interview
Hear that! The leader of NOW believes Kathleen Willey. I wonder if she still believes Clinton.
"Maybe there'll be a simple, innocent explanation. I don't think so, because I think we would have offered that up already." - Mike McCurry
"For anybody willing to find it, and write about it, and explain it, is this vast right-wing conspiracy that has been conspiring against my husband since the day he announced for President." - Hillary Clinton
Hillary, he admitted it. Does that look like a conspiracy? He admitted it.
"An innocent bureaucratic snafu" - Bill Clinton attempting to explain what 900 GOP FBI files were doing in the White House
"When you get asked hundreds of questions, it's not possible to remember the answer to every one." - Bill Clinton
I guess in Clinton's case it is not possible to remember any of them
The Lewinsky matter "constituted a critical lapse in judgement and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely responsable" - Bill Clinton
What happened to "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."?
"I misled people, including even my wife" - Bill Clinton explaining the Lewinsky scandal. Clinton revealed the relationship to Hillary only days before testifying.
Word of advice: look out for flying lamps and furniture in the White House!
"I was also very concerned about protecting my family" - Bill Clinton in the Lewinsky address
Translation: "I had to do it to protect Chelsea from embarassment"
"In addition I had real and serious questions about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings twenty years ago" - Bill Clinton in the Lewinsky adress
Translation: "Ken Starr made me do it"
"It is time to stop personal destruction and prying into private lives" - Bill Clinton in the Lewinsky address
Would illegally requesting 900 private Republican FBI files be "prying" or would firing travel office employees on false charges be "personal destruction" Mr. Clinton?

"It depends on what the meaning of the word is is.  If the...if he...if is means is and never has been, that is not - that is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely true statement"
And IS that IS now or IS recently or IS today or IS tommorow....?
"I have never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. I've never had an affair with her." - Bill Clinton under oath in the Paula Jones deposition.
If that IS not perjury then what IS perjury?

                                                                                                                            "Feb. 9, 1999
Dear Friend,
     Without your previous support, Bill Clinton and I would not have won our victories for the American people in 1992 and 1996. …  And to win in 2000, I need you by my side."

- Vice President Al Gore

This from a letter sent out by his 2000 campaign to Johnny Chung,  the former DNC fundraiser and felon who plead guilty to funneling thousands in illegal contributions from communist China to the Bill Clinton campaign in 1996. As reported in the April 3, 1999 Los Angeles Times

Express your opinion! - Take a survey about Clinton excuses!

"Having plead guilty, I do not believe that I am any different than the vast majority of the members of Congress." - Dan Rostenkowski

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Marion Barry, Washington D.C. Mayor
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, Fmr. New York City Mayor

"(State controlled) education is a weapon, whose effect depends on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed." - Joseph Stalin

Environmentalism and nature: Much of this is taken from PETA (an animal rights group) online. See for yourself on what could reasonably be called the "Hot Air Capitol of the Internet!" click here
"Ronald McDonald is a scary, scary clown" -PETA online
"Human beings, as a species, have no more value than slugs." - John Davis, Editor of The Earth First! Journal
"It seems an easy choice - sacrifice the tree for a human life - until one learns that three trees must be destroyed for each patient treated. Suddenly we must confront some tough questions. How important are the medical needs of future generations?" - Algore in Earth in the Balance
What is scary is that this man is VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
 "It ought be able to establish a coordinated global program to accomplish the strategic goal of completely eliminating the internal combustible engine over, say, a twenty-five-year period." - Algore in Earth in the Balance

"Circuses make animals sad" - PETA demonstration posters
Yes, animals launched a complaint with PETA about those horrible circuses and then told circuses how they felt.
"Animals forced to endure such confinement [in zoos] often suffer from a kind of mental illness called zoochosis." - PETA online
Psychiatric disorders in zoo animals?
"Captivity drives many animals insane, causing them to sink into depression" - PETA online
The animals told PETA this themselves
"Ronald McDonald tells children that hamburgers grow in patches like vegetables. Call McDonald's to find out if Ronald is coming to town. If he is, why not "pie" him? " - PETA online
"Ronald McDonald is a scary, scary clown" -PETA online
I think this one speaks for itself.
"McDonald's is one of the largest murderers of animals on this planet." - PETA online
"McDonald's tells kids that hamburgers grow in hamburger patches. It's a lie" - PETA online
No kidding!
"Disneyland... continues to use the cruelest mousetraps--glue traps... Please write to Disneyland officials and remind them that there is no excuse for such atrocities." - PETA online
How dare that Disney attempts to control disease carrying rodents.  Never mind the rest of the world does also.
"There was also a video [on Americas Funniest Home Videos] of a man singing "Home on the Range" to call his cows. John Fugelsang, one of the hosts, remarked, 'Look at all the cows running to the slaughterhouse.'" - PETA online
Gasp! That mean-spirited man made a joke about cattle - he's not allowed to do that!
"Another video showed lambs in a pen with a man holding a single bottle. The babies were all frantically try to get it. Fugelsang commented, 'Look at all these live sweaters walking around.'"- PETA online
He did it again! Nevemind that wool is collected by shaving the animal, not killing it. Let's ban comedy!
"Shoprite food stores are giving away turkeys to customers who shop at their stores." - PETA online They aren't allowed to offer promotions!
"Back in her home waters in the Puget Sound, her closely bonded family continues to swim, play, and forage together." - PETA online
So the killer wale family, after bonding together and coming in touch with their emotions, embarked on an expedition of playing together? I guess they then wrote a letter to PETA to tell them about it.  Things like this remind you of children's books.
"Hunting is presently banned in most national parks, but fishing continues" - PETA online
So what?
"Promotional displays for Frookie cookies promote Ringling Bros. and encourage people to go to the circus." - PETA online complaint
" unidentified group of fur foes who rub itching powder into fur and fur-trimmed garments, including gloves and hats. ... Itching powder is available from most joke and novelty stores at about $1.00 a package. We are not, of course, recommending its use" - PETA online
Sure, just innocently informing the public about one effective method they may combat fur. nevermind the price and retailer information  are given.
"Stores from coast to coast have been the targets of angry and vocal protests, including more than 100 arrests at Christmas time." PETA online
And this is something to be proud of?
"Please call Starbucks Coffee corporate headquarters and let them know how much you would appreciate their offering soy milk." - PETA online
Soy Milk? Looks like PETA is again getting desperate for things to "protest"
"By selling reptiles, birds, and small animals, PetSmart is overlooking the fact that these sensitive animals suffer terribly in captivity." - PETA online criticizing pet shops
Yes, we all know the emotional trauma suffered by lizards in pet shops.  Especially since they write letters of complaint to the management daily.

"Please let General Mills know that America's breakfast tables are no place for the glorification of a violent activity like fishing." - PETA online criticizing "Wheaties" boxes showing a fisherman on them.
Since seafood is a popular meal item, is the dinner table also a glorification of a violent activity?
"The only way to ensure that chicken won’t kill you is to throw it away." - PETA online
Then again, cooking chicken kills bacteria.  Strange that "dangerous" pesticides on veggies are casually overlooked

"Feeding kids meat is child abuse." - PETA online
Feeding kids the hot air seen on this web page is brainwashing
"The meat industry tries to brainwash kids into believing that eating flesh is healthy" - PETA online
Speaking of brainwashing...

"Help us get the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile out of your town!"
And I thought protesting "Ronald McDonald" was a joke

"The time for action is due, and past due. The Ehrlichs have written the prescription" - Algore's introduction to Paul Ehrlich's Populations Explosion, a book by this well known malthusian which called for a government plan to reduce per capita income and enforce limitations on the birth rate.

Human Rights
"It appears to me that Muammar Qadhafi is one of the greatest preservers and fighters for human rights that there is on the earth." - Louis Farrakahn commenting on the militarist dictator of Libya, a terrorist state

"Whatever good is in Libya must be exported in the entire world. Brother Muammar Qadhafi has guaranteed your human rights." - Louis Farrakahn addressing the nation of Libya
Yes Louis, the world has much to learn from a terrorist state

"I don't think that Saddam Hussein is deliberately starving his own people. I would think that a man who gets 99 percent of the people to vote for him in an election and the people love him so much, how would they love a man that is starving them?'' - Louis Farrakhan
"I believe he [Saddam Hussein] wants a better relationship with America." - Louis Farrakahn
"I hope, when I go to Iraq, that I will be able to report to the American people that here's a man that is ready to sit down, talk with the American administration,'' - Louis Farrakhan

The Kennedys
"Keep your tax-cutting, greedy hands off our medicare" - Ted Kennedy (He's equating tax cuts with wrong and is demagogueing at the same time. hmmm.)

"Throughout most of my life, I raised tobacco. I want you to know that my own hands, all of my life, I put in the plant beds and transferred it! I hoed it! I've dug in it! I've sprayed it! I've chopped it! I've shredded it, spiked it, put it in the barn and stripped it and sold it!" - Algore

Just Plain Stupid
"I tell you, that Michael Jackson is unbelievable! Isn't he? He's just unbelievable.  Three plays in twenty seconds." - Algore commenting on Michael Jordan
"I consider myself a relatively moral guy" - O.J. Simpson, quoted in Esquire magazine
Here are some interesting and confusing quotes from the keynote speech of the Million Man March.  I included these quotes because they do show some humor and a very strange opinion by one of the most radical and controversial figures of today.
"There, in the middle of this mall is the Washington Monument, 555 feet high. But if we put a one in front of that 555 feet, we get 1555, the year that our first fathers landed on the shores of Jamestown, Virginia as slaves." - Louis Farrakhan
For the record, Jamestown was founded over 50 years later in 1607.
"In the background is the Jefferson and Lincoln Memorial, each one of these monuments is 19 feet high.  Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president. Thomas Jefferson, the third president, and 16 and three make 19 again".- Louis Farrakhan
Here are more updates to the Humorous/Just plain stupid quotes
"It was an innocent mistake" - anonymous White House staffer (yet another Clinton excuse)
"I have gavel envy" - Rep. Dick Gephardt
"I've heard Eric Clapner, ... I think it was a wonderful thing that Eric Clapner the musician did...So I think that's the wonderful part about it, but listen -  I like Eric Clapner!" - Joycelyn Elders on Eric Clapton.  Listen to the audio (22K)
"The fact is that Democrats are not for tax cuts." - Rosa DeLauro -D,CT as quoted from the House of Representatives in the May 1998 issue of The Limbaugh Letter
"In closing, the greatest threat to peace on this earth is the arrogance of a super-power [America] that is out of control."  - Louis Farrakahn speaking in Libya, a terrorist state
"Mr. Starr, have you no shame? Facts and law are always subordinated to the will of the American  people." - William Ginsburg
"But I'm saying we are loosing the people who are going to pay my social security. And that bothers me." - Joycelyn Elders

"I tell you, that Michael Jackson is unbelievable! Isn't he? He's just unbelievable.  Three plays in twenty seconds." - Algore commenting on Michael Jordan

 "As a matter of fact and law the governing rights of the states are all of those which have not been   surrendered to the national government by the Constitution or its amendments. Prohibition (then legal) ... [is such an example of the national government's power]. This is not the case in the matter of a great number of other vital problems of government, such as the conduct of public utilities, of banks, of insurance, of business, of agriculture, of education, of social welfare, and of a dozen other important features. In these Washington must not be encouraged to interfere." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt, father of the welfare state, March 2, 1930

Kinda comforting to know that the father of the socialist, and clearly unconstitutional welfare state is a lying HYPOCRITE!

Internet links for other quotes:
The Capitalist Conservative Republican Homepage

1998 Humorous Quotations. Link to the main page.